Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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