He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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