he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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