I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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