took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
