I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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