6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
