Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
