maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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