a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
