I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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