I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
