Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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