We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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