On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
