I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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