Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
