I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
