im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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