highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
