This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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