the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it was like eating out sand paper
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
