Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
