the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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