Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
