I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
