There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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