just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
