hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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