shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
operation have a gay friend backfired
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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