Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
