i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
