she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
