i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
