If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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