Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
