You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
