About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
