I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
