My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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