Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My life is pants optional.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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