We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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