There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
