Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I want her autograph on my taint
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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