Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
The ass gains better be worth it
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