So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
