did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
