I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
