She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
