people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you made out with another girl for some wings
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
